I was moved to share something extremely personal this week, as a 30-year-old shadow came knocking at my door.
Every so often memories from the past come back to perhaps remind us how far we've come, to clean up old business, or to clear the way for a higher level of evolution.
This past week, multiple articles came out around a film that I was in 30 years ago called "Newsies". I was 19 years old and it was my first leading film role. I felt so much joy and excitement about this incredible opportunity. To work on a musical with the talented director Kenny Ortega on his first film was an honor. And I was blessed to also be in the company of a ton of other young actors and dancers including Christian Bale who played my boyfriend, Robert Duvall, Ann-Margaret, and my beloved Deborra-Lee Furness who played my mom. It was a magical six months.
When it came time for the premiere, I wasn't able to attend because I was filming the movie, “Alive". After “Newsies” premiered, I got sent a phonebook of reviews. They were pretty awful. The press slammed the film. There were also some unkind words said about me.
A few months ago, I was interviewed for the 30 year anniversary of the film. The article came out this past week. During the hour-long interview, I made a brief comment about the reviews the studio had sent after we opened. The interview came out, and the main focus was on the "mean" reviews they sent me. Other publications picked it up, including the New York Post. This week’s experience has opened up an opportunity to look back upon that time as a 19-year-old and how it felt then.
Right at the time when Newsies came out, I started having debilitating panic attacks. I also had developed a condition called CVS (cyclic vomiting syndrome) which little was known about it at the time.
Now, looking back and understanding energy, I've been able to correlate this very challenging time to what was occurring for me on a physical level. Everything comes from something. Thoughts, negative energy, and of course positive energy have an effect on us.
As so many difficult times are, that period in my life turned out to be a gift. I developed a hunger for healing on every possible level. I became completely devoted to doing whatever it took to heal. It led me to daily meditation, nourishing my body, transformational workshops, and working with phenomenal mentors, therapists, and healers. All of which have shaped the woman I have become.
I've been sitting with my 19-year-old self the last couple of days and wishing that she knew what I now know. I had not developed the tools, understanding, and self-trust to see that I had the strength and capacity to face whatever was put in my path and that everything would turn out.
Through Reiki, I’ve also been sending my 19-year-old self some healing. Here are the crystals I would give her. Lithium Quartz and Lepidolite to help soothe her anxiety. Selenite, Black Tourmaline, and Shungite for energetic protection and clearing. I would also blanket her in Emeralds for heart healing.
Teachers come to us at the perfect moment. Sometimes they come in the form of the past visiting us to remind us of where we are and how far we have come.
Remind yourself "healing is a process". To face mountains we have to take one step at a time.
Be gentle and kind to yourself. Listen to what you need. And trust your wise inner guidance.
We truly are limitless when we give ourselves an opportunity to grow. When we are willing to devote ourselves and put the work into whatever it takes to heal, it is possible.
My prayer is that no matter what you are facing in your life, you are able to embrace it and understand that whatever pain you are experiencing could ultimately be one of the greatest gifts of transformation ever.
We all deserve a life of freedom. And we must give ourselves whatever it takes to heal.